


Lost Control

by iPhonesIn1997



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 21:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18821056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iPhonesIn1997/pseuds/iPhonesIn1997
Summary: “You deserve so much better than me.”





	Lost Control

**Author's Note:**

> First post on here, honestly sort of forgot what exactly I wrote so I'm sorry if it sucks lol

Evan hadn’t seen Connor all day, with him even skipping giving Evan a ride in the morning, not even bothering to send a text. With his disappearance on this date and his appearance being limited throughout the whole week, Evan was worried and believed he had the right to be. How is he supposed to feel when it seems as if his boyfriend suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth? Especially when said boyfriend didn’t have the best history in situations such as these, using the time away for an attempt on his life or to smoke weed in the orchard they frequently visited. Evan sighed, he only had about fifteen minutes until he was able to leave the school from his seventh period class, though having been messaging Connor and watching the clock the whole period he figured it’d just be more productive to just leave, but he stayed in his seat to avoid making a scene. He fidgeted in the plastic chair while he waited for the bell to ring, trying to pay attention to the teacher at the front of the room who droned on about who-knows-what but all the words sounded like gibberish to him. Once the bell sounded the teen was on his feet and out the door and quick as he could manage without making a fool of himself, gathering his stuff and speed walking to his locker he had made good time getting out of the school and began walking to the orchard, though it was a few miles away Evan felt as if he had bothered Jared enough for the day with asking for a ride in the morning. Walking at a decent pace, Evan made his way to the orchard - making sure to choose the route that would pass by Connor’s home as to check if his pickup was there - his pace picked up eventually as anxious thoughts plagued him. What if Connor was leaving him? What if Connor had killed himself? What if he had angered Connor somehow? Was he smoking? He knows it’s bad for him, Evan had explained it so often he’d have to be thick not to realize. What if he was dead? Eventually Evan had broken into a full on run, his breath quick, hoping to get the orchard as quickly as possible. He regretted not asking Jared for a ride. With the rusty gate of the orchard in sight, Evan picked up his pace even further sprinting to the gate and scrambling over it, ending up falling off of the fence itself. With a grunt and a simple ‘ow’, he picked himself up and searched the orchard, spotting his boyfriend resting against an old willow tree. 

“Connor! I-i-i was so worried!” Evan sobbed, practically tackling the taller male. Who looked down at his boyfriend with a fond smile, blunt in hand. Evan’s face fell a bit when he saw it, but for the moment he ignored the scent of weed.

“I’m not dead yet, sorry.” Connor scoffed in a joking manner, though Evan did not particularly enjoy the joke, he released a small chuckle. 

“H-have you been here s-smoking all day, Con?” Evan asked, with a slight pout. Connor knew how much his use of marijuana bothered Evan, though he couldn’t really see why. The smaller boy should at least appreciate the fact that Connor isn’t doing any harder drugs, considering weed is one of the less dangerous drugs out there. 

“Yeah, and why do you care?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow, though not yet seeming angry so Evan found it okay to explain himself.  
“I-i just worry a-about you? And you know how I f-feel about your s-s-moking. P-plus you w-wouldn’t respond all day.. C-con, I just want you to b-be okay and s-skipping school and s-smoking isn’t the best way of being o-kay?” Evan stuttered through his speech, attempting to sound as confident as possible though it was nearly impossible watching as the more he spoke the angrier Connor’s expression seemed to get.

“What? Do you assume I can’t take care of myself? Because if you do, you are dead fucking wrong. I really couldn’t care less about how you feel about my habits, it ain’t hurting you.” Connor seethed, fists shaking. Evan looked petrified, tearing rolling down his cheeks at the harshness of the words which only served to piss him off more. “Are you scared of me now, Hansen? I thought you fucking trusted me, guess not. You're just like everyone else.”

“N-nn-no Con-nnor I swear-r I’m not s-scared of you!” He tried to defend himself, though he could not stop the fear induced shivers that shook his body, the tears that didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. “I-ii-i.. I just n-n-need you to b-be okay. I-i-i’m sorry.”

“You wouldn’t care if I just disappeared, would you?” Connor spat out at his trembling boyfriend, a voice in the back of his head told him to stop that he was being a monster, he ignored it. “You don’t care about me, you only want to save your own skin.” 

“N-no! Thaat’s not true, C-c-con-connor! I-i-i love y-you, I’m s-s-s-sorry, j-just please s-stop.” Evan sobbed, blubbering. 

“So now you’re fucking lying to me?” he yelled, his rage spilling over. When Evan opened his mouth to protest, he was interrupted by a harsh sting on his face, Connor’s hand raised as the blonde boy fell to the ground. 

“I-i-i-i-i-i’m s-s-sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, s-s-so so s-sorry.” The endless apologies spouting from the boy’s mouth stopped Connor in his tracks. Then it hit him, he had just punched his already scared shitless boyfriend, his boyfriend that had an abusive father, his boyfriend who has crippling anxiety, his boyfriend. The anger drained from his face, the reality of what had been done came crashing in.

“Holy shit, Evan, no. I’m sorry, holy fuck.” Connor sputtered, crouching down to rest a hand gently on the shaking teen’s shoulder, only to pull away as if he’d been burned when he felt the muscles tense under his warm palm.

“N-n-no I-i’m sorry, I-i-i shouldn’t h-have g-got in y-your busi-business about it.” The reply came with heavier breathing, the blonde’s eyes seeming to be glazed over, tears falling endlessly. It broke Connor’s heart to see him this way. 

“No, no, babe. You did nothing wrong. I should’ve listened to you. God, I’m so so sorry.” Connor tried comforting, tears appearing in the corners of his own eyes.

“You deserve so much better than me.” Evan sobbed, hugging himself with Connor’s hand extended, wanting to touch his boyfriend, though not knowing if it would be okay in this situation. Connor moved forward, wrapping the smaller boy in his arms, Evan’s sobbed only increased. His words became slurred and incomprehensible as Connor patted his back shushed him. 

“It’s going to be okay, I’m not going to leave you. You’re all I’ll ever need, okay?”

“O-o-okay..”

**Author's Note:**

> Good? Great? Terrible? Awful? Comment please! : ))


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